I hope you'll bear with me

What began with my mother's passing one week before Christmas, and was added to by more tragedy, accusations, and disappointments has culminated, finally, in an unexpected, yet not unpredictable, bout of situational depression. It's depression; I know it. Yet unlike other depressions I've experienced in my life I know where this one is coming from. It's not stemming from nonsense (mostly), or even an absence of faith, though if feels like that at moments. (At some moments it feels like I've never known God at all.) Really it's more like a snowball of grief and disappointment. And it's also been a wake-up call to the inadequacies of doctrinal systems. Beware when your system replaces your Savior, my friends. Only Christ will do. Only Christ will do.  When your relationship to Christ depends upon your own faithfulness to cling to Him, well, what happens when all the fingernails of your soul come ripping off, when you can't cling to that Rock for another second?   It's then that all you can do is hope He will cling to you. When you can't find solace in all the pat answers people are so wont to give, all you can do is to hope that He will keep you in spite of it, and to cry out to Him as ever, "Lord, be merciful to me, a sinner!" And pray you walk home justified.

Comments

barrywallace said…
It is good to know that it's God's grip on us, and not ours on Him, that will sustain us until we draw our last breath. Much love and grace and peace to you, Laurie.
David Porter said…
Laurie,

When I was in the valley of the shadow of death, I gained immeasurable comfort from walking in David's Psalms.

Many times we find David simply crying before the Lord.

You are both in my prayers, and I encourage you to go walk with David. Although rich with theology, David's Psalms are ripe with the wanton crying of the soul.

Love you both, and you are in my prayers.
Don't worry...He has you in His grip. He won't let you go.
Staci said…
I'm sorry you're going through a hard time. I have nothing to say, but just know that I am making a commitment to pray for you in this time.
jeri said…
He will keep you... he promised to. Have you seen this?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XY-idvZYF0U

All we have is Christ!
Laurie M. said…
Thanks friends, for the words of encouragement, and especially for your prayers. Really, just confessing what I'm going through has helped, and knowing people are praying for me goes a long way.
Angela said…
Laurie,
I can do what you've asked. I can bear with you. I have read and reread your post. It really struck a chord within me. You are right. Only Christ will do. Everything else is inadequate. I am praying for you, my friend. When the "Buts" Rule is one of my favorites of all your posts. Keep writing.
Oh, sweet friend...the Valley of Achor is difficult indeed. Holding you before throne....

Perhaps a song for the way?

http://listen.grooveshark.com/#/s/Dance+With+Me/2qdBKF
Laurie M. said…
Angela,
I've missed you. Thank you for your encouragement. Hug the girls and muss up the boys' hair for me, please.

Hillary,
Thank you so much for your prayers. The song is beautiful too.
WhiteStone said…
One of the things I asked of God during three years of depression (thankfully, long ago) was "Please don't let go!" The image I got in my mind was God using the grip that trapeze artists use...grabbing wrist to wrist. I knew my grip was uncertain but I also knew that even if my grip were to loosen, God's grip never does.
E. A. Harvey said…
I realize it may be of little comfort to you, but please know that this post really brought comfort to me. In the midst of my own tears of disappointment, fear, and depression, I will say a prayer for you in the midst of yours.
Laurie M. said…
E.A.H.
It is great comfort to me to know that! There's no more beautiful comfort than crying in the arms of someone who's hurting as much as you are. When my mother died, there were several days after when I did not want to see or speak to anyone who was not with us when she died. I only wanted to be with those who shared the same loss. Those were the ones I felt safest with. This morning I read in John's gospel how Jesus wept at the grave of Lazarus - what comfort there is in those words: "Jesus wept."
Thank you. And please accept a tearful hug from me.
Phil Garber said…
Hi Laurie, I know I'm late to the party (haven't checked your blog in a while) but hope you are doing well.
Laurie M. said…
Thanks for stopping by, Phil. It's good to hear from you. I still follow Rachel's blog btw. I understand she's heading home to Canada for a bit. I know you all will be so happy for the time together.

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