Wednesday, May 5, 2010
I hope you'll bear with me
What began with my mother's passing one week before Christmas, and was added to by more tragedy, accusations, and disappointments has culminated, finally, in an unexpected, yet not unpredictable, bout of situational depression. It's depression; I know it. Yet unlike other depressions I've experienced in my life I know where this one is coming from. It's not stemming from nonsense (mostly), or even an absence of faith, though if feels like that at moments. (At some moments it feels like I've never known God at all.) Really it's more like a snowball of grief and disappointment. And it's also been a wake-up call to the inadequacies of doctrinal systems. Beware when your system replaces your Savior, my friends. Only Christ will do. Only Christ will do. When your relationship to Christ depends upon your own faithfulness to cling to Him, well, what happens when all the fingernails of your soul come ripping off, when you can't cling to that Rock for another second? It's then that all you can do is hope He will cling to you. When you can't find solace in all the pat answers people are so wont to give, all you can do is to hope that He will keep you in spite of it, and to cry out to Him as ever, "Lord, be merciful to me, a sinner!" And pray you walk home justified.