The Impossible Burden
You need to learn to forgive yourself!
How many times have you heard those words? Maybe they came from a friend, or a counselor, or a book you’ve read. Maybe you’ve said them yourself to someone you care about, someone you want to set free from the burden of guilt and self-condemnation. I’ve heard and said them myself. I’ve tried to follow those words, but the burden of guilt never went away.
I’ve lived a sinful life. I’ve said and done many things I am deeply ashamed of. I’ve hurt others and disgraced myself. And there are witnesses, people who will never forget, and never forgive. How can I be free from the burden of all that guilt and shame? I can’t undo what I’ve done, and I know, deep in my heart, that I have no more authority to forgive my sins against others than I have the right to forgive my own debts.
After King David committed adultery with Bathsheba and arranged the murder of her husband, Uriah, he cried out to God in a prayer that is shocking unless you understand the nature of sin:
“Against you, you only, have I sinnedand done what is evil in your sight” (Ps 51:4a).
But what about the murdered man? What about the exploited woman? Don’t they matter? Yes, Uriah and Bathsheba mattered. But they mattered because God said they did. It was God, who created man in His own image, who said, “You shall not murder” (Ex 20:13). It was God, who designed marriage to be a picture of His own faithfulness, who said, “You shall not commit adultery” (Ex 20:14).
David understood that every life he destroyed was God’s, and every law he broke was God’’s. Though he had disgraced himself and destroyed his own reputation, it was not his self he had offended, it was the God who made him. And so, David knew where he had to go with his guilt, to the same God whose law said that he should, if he could, die not once, but twice for his crimes. “Hide your face from my sins,” David cried, “and blot out all my iniquities” (Ps 51:9).
Was David ever able to look himself in the mirror again? We don’t know. What we do know is that looking at himself was not his concern, “Cast me not away from your presence, and take not your Holy Spirit from me” (Ps 51:11). What David cared about was not being able to look at himself in the mirror, it was being able to look God in the eye—the God who loved him, the God he had betrayed.
This is how I came to Christ, and, if you are a Christian, this is how you’ve come, with nothing but a load of sin and guilt for Him to absorb, and with one great hope, that “the Lord has laid on him the iniquity of us all” (Is 53:6b). His is the only judgment that matters. His is the only sacrifice sufficient for our sins. And when we realize what it cost Him to forgive us, our self-image becomes of little consequence. When we look in the mirror, it’s His face we want to see.
Have you sinned? Are you trying to escape your feelings of guilt and shame? Look to Christ. Let go of the impossible burden of self-forgiveness and accept His.
“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light” (Mt 11:28-30).
Comments
One of the things that I've always admired about David - and in Psalm 51 especially - is what you point out - his statement that “Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight”. In saying this, David has placed in the right order what Jesus has described as the greatest commandments. Without loving God with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength (as David did by wandering away from all God had given him), the ability to love our neighbor (Uriah, Bathsheba, etc. in David's case) is not possible.
There is so much more that could be said on this subject. I write these articles with a word limit, due to the format of the original publication. This forces me to really condense down my thoughts and to focus on one aspect of an issue at a time.
Space limited me from addressing all that could be said about a person who refuses to "forgive himself" after having been extended forgiveness by God and maybe even the offended human individual.
If I sin against you, Joe, and you forgive me. If I were then to say, "Well, that's all fine and good, but I'll never forgive myself." I've just revealed something. It's not your forgiveness or my spoiled relationship with you that is really foremost in my mind. Your pain and our friendship are secondary. It's my self-image that I'm really concerned about. My ability to go on thinking I'm a good person has been damaged. I am going to take it upon myself to chastise myself and assign myself penance so that I can hopefully, somehow, raise myself in my own esteem. Rejection of the forgiveness of the One actually offended leaves us grasping at a void. As you mentioned, there is no bottom to that abyss. That existence is intolerable. For me, attempts at self-forgiveness usually end up in excuse-making, blame-shifting, depression, and substance abuse.
These are hard things to face about ourselves. But honesty and humility are the path to freedom in Christ. To quote David in Ps. 51 again: "a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise."
As David sings elsewhere:
"You make known to me the path of life;
in your presence there is fullness of joy;
at your right hand are pleasures forevermore" (Ps 16:11)
When we just accept the fact that we've done wrong - that we have, in fact, sinned, and accept the fact that we don't deserve the forgiveness we have received, we are free to enjoy the fact that we are so greatly loved. What a privilege it is to be forgiven.
David again:
"Blessed is the one whose transgression is forgiven,
whose sin is covered.
Blessed is the man against whom the LORD counts no iniquity,
and in whose spirit there is no deceit" (Ps 32:1-2).
Thank you for interacting with me about this. It's such a blessing to meditate on what Christ has done for us and on the freedom from condemnation that He purchased for us with His own blood. "Behold what manner of love the Father has given unto us, that we should be called the children of God!"